i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
