I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I will die if light touches me.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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