somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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