Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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