When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
