i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
