Umm I'm too high to move.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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