I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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