found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
