new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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