Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
