Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
