I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I love you. Go after that dick
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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