a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
