if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
