Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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