I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
