you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
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