youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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