Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
