I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
