Now he's lighting his socks on fire
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
