you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
