my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
should my penis look like a turkey
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
