I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
