My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
