420 ftw
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
