Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I have feelings that need drinking.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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