my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I want her autograph on my taint
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
