Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
