non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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