i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
