I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
