he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
