omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
