If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
