the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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