I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
