I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
