I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
