I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
