If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
