Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
