Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
