my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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