my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
