Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
