I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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