How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
