Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
