I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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